Why is my otherwise adorable pet so disobedient and smelly? Is this carpet ruined? Can I ever have nice things? These questions and more answered.
Pets are the best, amirite? I mean, SO cute. Cuddly? Yessir. Goofy? Check. All that piano playing and cramming themselves into too small boxes and sleeping upside down and whatnot? Unconditional love. Etcetera! I mean, I adore my cat/dog/cockatiel so darn much I can hardly…
What the...? Nooooo. What. Is. This.
Who pooped/peed/vomited on the floor? Who?
Ugh, pets are the worst, amirite?
Here’s the problem with a pet deposit on the floor/carpet/bedspread: Even if you clean up all traces of it to the human eye and nose, your pet’s super senses will still know that it is there. All the while you are confidently going about your business, the invisible spot will be silently calling to him. Like a stranger with candy, the spot will beckon him back, back, back to the scene of his offense. And there, upon that sweet-smelling plain, he will re-express himself.
To human sensibilities, this seems inconsiderate, bordering on rude. But don’t judge your pet too harshly. Pungent smells have a Svengalian power over him.
Clean It, Clean It Now
Perhaps start by giving simple home remedies a try. Once you’ve removed the offending material (quickly! don’t wait), try mom-standard club soda followed by a simple dishwashing liquid for the stain. Then, a mixture of white vinegar and warm water to remove the odor. Blot, don’t scrub, to avoid making things worse. Are you scrubbing? Stop scrubbing!
If you’d feel better buying a product specially designed for the task at hand (perhaps with a reassuring picture of a pet on it), consider erring on the side of natural ingredients for the health of your carpet-rolling, carpet-snuffling and carpet-snoozing pet. On the one hand, you’ve got enzymatic products that break down odors using naturally occurring enzymes. Science! On the other hand, there’s a molecular approach, in which the cleaning product binds with odor molecules and literally transforms them into something else. Also science!
Whatever you do, do not use a steam cleaner. It will cook the smell into your carpet for all eternity, thereby trapping you in a circle of urine hell.
Incidentally, if you think you can own both a cat and a shag carpet or furry bath mat, you are mistaken. You might as well put up a sign that says, “Welcome, Please Pee Here on This Luxurious Indoor Lawn.” It won’t work out. You’re going to have to choose between them. Likewise, certain rugs or bath mats with rubber backing will smell like ammonia to a cat. And ammonia is a blinking highway sign for Urinetown. Try a rug without backing and in place of it, use a rug pad.
Protect, Defend, Deflect
Consider swaddling everything you own in stylish padded covers. This can be an effective means of preventing your cat/dog/cockatiel from soiling your otherwise attractive furnishings. Of course, if she poops/pees/vomits on the cover, then you’re back in Svengali scent territory (see above, repeat).
Consider covering the covers with covers? You can peel them off one by one until you’ve reached the delightful, onionlike couch beneath. It will be a treat to see it again after so long.
And don’t kid yourself about the car. Your agreeable pet does not like riding in the car. To your pet, the car is a sensory delivery system run amok. The world is whizzing by at a ludicrous speed only a human could dream up, bombarding him with its odors like a hyperactive tennis ball launcher. Sooner or later, he will announce his disavowal of your lurching quease-machine all over the back seat. At the least, he’ll leave hair there. Cover it now. Go on, I’ll wait.
Flashback alert! Here we are on that hazy day last week when you were thinking, “I am swaggeringly confident that my cat/dog/cockatiel is housebroken and doesn’t need those heavy-duty, super-absorbent Wee-Wee® pads. She is smart and ready for the big leagues!” But were you confident? If you’re honest, wasn’t there a faint alarm ringing somewhere in your brain? Knowing what you know today about the infamous poop/pee/vomit incident, this alarm now seems very loud indeed.
Tech It Out
One of the best ways to keep pet scents, dander, dust, and other airborne irritants out of your facial cavities is with an air purifier equipped with a HEPA filter. No longer the hulking boxes of yesterday, these machines are now compact and borderline chic. They’re also fairly quiet but can provide soothing white noise for sleepy time.
Note: If the reason you’re buying the air filter is to remove feather dust created by, say, in-home pigeons (yes, this is a real thing we have encountered), be prepared for them to land regularly on the power buttons situated along the top of the machine, turning it off and on at whim, and making a constant beeping sound. If your filter happens to come with a colored light, expect spontaneous eruptions of disco pigeon hour.
Finally, if tech is your thing, consider employing a machine to do the literal dirty work. Plop SpotBot® onto a stain, and it will spray, clean, and suction away the blemish on its own. There’s a manual option, too. Cute, cuddly, and prone to purr, SpotBot® gets along well with children and animals, doesn’t incur vet bills, and is completely housebroken. Let’s be honest, do you really need a “pet”? Problem solved.